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Electric · Reverie
A long and sad tale. (What's wrong with my tail?)
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It seems I've finally learned to work in a relation to my inefficiency. I got a 5000-word essay done in three days and 3000 words right after that in 24 hours. I'm proud. Somehow one gets used to this amount of essays and the criteria goes down. If one gets seventy-five percent just by writing some general crap it does not really encourage to do any more. And it is actually faster to write in English because I am not as critical what it comes to the language and every error can be explained by that I'm just a stupid exchange student and know nothing. But I hate this zero-policy nevertheless. After one minute after the deadline it is impossible to submit anything anymore and that's it. This far I've managed to do things in time.
We still don't have an internet connection at home but I'm getting used to it. Nor do we have a shower, but I'm getting used to it as well. Someone had bought us some kind of a ridiculous attachable shower that can be put on the pipes; kind of a two-branched flexible hose with something like a shower in the other end, but, not surprisingly, it is not working. But I'm getting used to not to have a shower every morning but a bath and a "shower" with an empty Sainsbury's soup -can a few times a week.
Also otherwise everything is pretty much the same. I love the Cityscapes of Modernism course and cant get enough of listening our teacher who looks like a ballet dancer and sounds like an actress. Somehow she has the lightness that I often admire in people; the way of being that you could not imagine her anywhere else than sitting in the cafes of Paris or New York or any other modern city, drinking black coffee, eating a croissant and reading Proust and Bely. Modernism herself. And I bought fire pois and I'm waiting for the weather to get better so I can start practicing with fire. My sister and grandmother were here last weekend; we went to London and saw the Chicago musical and I felt sorry that I probably never become a broadway-star,something I've always been meant to be, only I never dunnit. Velma was gorgeous and hot and everything she is meant to be. Most of the actors were singing quite well too and it was entertaining, in that kind of a cheapish way as most commercial broadway musicals, with a perfect choreography and glitter raining from the ceiling. I loved it still.
I'm going to Finland for a month or so in 20.3 and I'm looking forward to that, even though I'm a little bit distressed of the idea for going back. It is so easy not to stress and panic in here, where everything is temporary. There might be the same distress that was there when I left; that I'm unable to make myself a sufficient life and live with it. But. I'm not thinking about it now. And I'm not going back to live in Tampere now anyhow, and playing home with J feels like a good thing to do.
Now it is raining and stormy and the thought of the 40 mins walk home is not tempting at all. Maybe i'll take a buss, even if I decided not to do that after sitting on the floor of my flat for the last two weeks, my back aching. But the wind almost took me with it when I walked to the uni in the morning and it's getting worse. I might end up going with the wind somewhere. Although, at the moment, it would feel like a good option. It would do me good to get out of Colchester for a while.
Mood: |
 okay | |
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I'm fighting and wrestling with my final essay about the reasons why Reformation failed in Ireland. I'm so glad I'm not studying history as my main subject and that I can use that and my foreigness as excuses for the worst essay in the world. I'm counting words and days and I want to go back to Finland as soon as possible. Have a real home in which to make gingernuts. And I have a strong feeling that we actually finally have found a house from Colchester. A big and beautiful flat in the upstairs of a shop where the landlord, old, senile man with a huge beard sells guns. It is right in the town centre and has a old, gothic church, ruins of some even older (Roman?) construction, and a graveyard in the back yard. It is just strange and shabby enough to be absolutely adorable. I refuse to have any more obstacles for having it. I go on.
Current Location: |
Colchester |
Mood: |
 sleepy |
Music: |
Cure - A Forest | |
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Stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) nodis:
Bookmeme 1.Grab the nearest book. 2.Open the book to page 123. 3.Find the fifth sentence. 4.Post the text of the next 4-7 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions. The sudden cuts to Haghi in the midst of action he has arranged reach a literal climax in the seduction of the Japansese agent Matsumoto by Haghi's agent, the seductress Kitty. Matsumoto has observed Tremaine's first romance with Sonja with a spy's detachment. After her disappearence he approached Tremaine, drinking away his sorrow in a tavern, to tell him he has simply been tricked by a beautiful spy. Lang cuts from their conversation to Haghi prepairing Kitty for the next phase in his plot, her seduction of Matsumoto. The irony of this juxtaposition underscores Haghi's control of characters' destinies, even (especially?) when they think they are impervious to such manipulation.
Current Location: |
Colchester |
Mood: |
 amused |
Music: |
The Shins - Turn on Me | |
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For some reason I suddenly got this feeling of writing here. I have ignored Livejournal totally, lost myself to that noisy mess of a Facebook; short messages on walls, virtual pets, absurd, light and short connections with people in that ever-changing world, where hectic invitations for groups make you look like you care and you can build up your identity over and over again. This is what I read and this is what I listen to. Leaving marks of yourself, feeling that you excist. And then I read some early posts of the couple of friends I have here and suddnly missed the last couple of years, I dont know why, and these posts. About life and everything resembling it and the dramatic touch there always seems to be, when you expose yourself to the imaginary audience. Really an imaginary one. But I like the silence in here now. So I'm in England. Nothing so much to tell. So I start from something small, like this morning. It was one of these long mornings... when sun has come up quietly, and the day began insidiously, so that when you wake up and look out it could be any time between 8am and 4.30pm. There are leafless skeletons of trees and steel grey sky with white pregnancy scars. And the whole stillness of it all made everything so indifferent that I found myself thinking that if I just ceased to exist now, no one would know and at that very moment there was no reason for me to be there or anywhere. So I was spending the ever lasting morning in my flat in the Tower, that reminds that of the Saruman and with an effort got myself doing something and out. And the rest of the day was... normal, with that hint of unpleasant indifference that was following me all day. A bit like the feeling after you've been crying and there is nothing left to feel for a while. I don't know why I felt like this. Or perhaps. But there has been good moments and good people...sitting in the fireplace in the woods, under the oak which someone claimed to be 800 years old. Or listening tales that people have made up themselves...I really can't think so much to tell. I don't like to summarise things long afterwards, it is always boring. I'm sad that it is cold now and everyone is busy with essays and so if you go out of the house to see if anyone is out, there is no one and the frost has chased all the drumming hippies to their caves. I'm still looking for a house to get out of this grey bubble called campus. No-land, no-city, no-when, no-where. The same people locked themselves to this area and concentrated on studying and student parties. I want to get out, even if i don't think it is going to change so much. I wouldn't want my whole reality to be concentrated on the university but I can't do much about it now, as all the people I know here are here. But tomorrow morning I should know if we get the house we were looking at... it would be wonderful to have an own living room and nice people instead of this flat full of bitching and giggling teenagers whom I find difficult to talk to. "Oh God, I wish I was a boy so I didn't have to care about calories!". Ah. I should go to bed. I'm couching, again. My defense system is apparently not working for England.
Current Location: |
Colchester |
Music: |
:Wumpscut: - Wreath of Barbs | |
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I haven't been here for a while. Everything has been so light, separated from any reality, easy and surreal the I've ignored pretty much everything and not felt like writing about all that at all. Sometimes things are just too easy that I'd feel any need to write any of it down. Just one big flow. New people have occupied all my time, I've been travelling and spending 24h of the days in the company of others. Funny... in the sprigh I dreamed that I didn't have to be alone at all. That I could just be with people who can make me to forget myself, and deaden every self conscious thought there might be. And that's excactly how it's been all summer and I've been quite happy. Now I'm a little bit afraid what it's going to be like in Essex... when Im all by myself again. But I think I'll be alright. Even though I don't feel like going alone to somewhere and spending a year in a place where I know nobody right now and I'm a bit scared of the whole thought, I still feel like in the end it's a good thing to do right now. Maybe I'll find something. I've been spending all the time with the GP people and I feel bad that I haven't seen many others. It's like the whole social circle I've had, had suddenly changed and I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep in touch with the people I really know. But it's all been ok in the end. I'm feeling somehow normal again and a person I met a while ago reminds me constantly about what I like about myself, how I wan't to be and what things I wan't to notice and remember. You always meet the best people just before you go. I was in the Linnanmäki amusement park today, in a good hangoverish state. There was some kind of a privat thing going on and a friend of friend's got us in. Everything was free for a few hours and Nestle shared free ice cream and coffee for everybody. I ate four ice creams for breakfast and felt slightly ill in the rollercoasters. I love you, Nestle.
Mood: |
exhausted | |
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I saw a dream in which I tried to reach one of my riends who was stepping on a train. I ran after her with Linda and we jumped on the train too. The guard came to check the tickets and was coming towards us, throwing the ones with no tickets violently out of the moving train. I was concerned what would happen to my friend, because she tends to ride the train for free, until I realized that we didn't have the tickets either and nobody would believe us if we said that we had just ran after a friend and were travelling now in the moving train quite accidentally. So we decided to jump. Linda jumped first and I was trying to gain some courage when the train speeded up. Finally I jumped and rolled to the ground. It was late night, dark, and orange lamp lights. There were many other people in the railway area who had jumped or been thrown out of the trains and stayed to wonder around there, more or less injured. Finally I found Linda and because we were both in one piece, we walked away together. Later we ended up to have a shower in women's jail with a group of beautiful lesbians.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
 and excited at the same time. |
Music: |
Ladytron - Playgirl | |
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leedsars told me she had bought the flights to Finland and is coming to Provinssirock. Yey! I should buy the tickets soon too but I quess I should wait and see if the job I have is that bearable that I can count on working there long enough to afford the tickets. And encouraced by aunuch: here's another link to YouTube. A music video worth seeing. It won the Oulu music video festival. For a reason.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
excited |
Music: |
Magyar Posse - A whirlpool of terror and tension | |
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How the hell do I always find myself dancing some cheesy slow song with the most unlikely people these nights. Quite amusing and sad at the same time. M's housewarming was held yeasterday. A lots of booze, good conversations, lousy argues about vegetarism, vintage porn, a glitter horse whip and a long chat on the phone with a friend twise as drunk as I, who had lost his eye glasses (but found them) - again. And like most of the parties do, also this reached its turning point when people got the idea of heading for a bar. That's when the only reasonable thing to do would be just heading home or somewhere else. Anywhere, but to that Be Pop, which lights you see approaching from the full stufft taxi's window and just know it's going to be a nightmare. Why do I have friends whose friends are always so fond of these places? They played one slow song every hour for the people who like to lean on each other on the crowded dancefloor. And what was I doing there? Christ. But the company wasn't entirely that bad. It's 20:29 and the hangover is starting to loose its hold of me. My stomach muscles hurt and the feeling is quite unpleasant mixed with the trembling of the insides. I'm considering going out and finding some chocolate.
Mood: |
 dirty |
Music: |
The Birthday Massacre - Nevermind | |
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I haven't been posting anything for ages.. haven't felt like writing the whole winter/spring but maybe I could try now. Collect together something about what has happened lately. I have been unbelievably dependent of all my friends and people around me. Now everything feels a bit better but I still can't stand being alone very much. The same sense of lost and anguish comes back easily and always creeps somewhere on the background. Ten day's travelling reminded me that they all are there and nothing has changed and that comfort will last for a while again, I hope. It was good to see Alan, even if Dublin itself often makes me feel a bit weird. But I thank him for all the care and the hot whiskey and the absinth that must have killed some of the flubakteria. And the chocolate did the rest so I flew to Glasgow quite painlessly - even if the weird, old allergy medicine, which I took in my despair (forgot the Duact to my backbag and couldn't take it in the plane) to open my nose and years made, together with the painkillers, the world swing and rock when I got off the plane. Glasgow was pretty much three days drinking and the most I saw of the city was a kilometer from S's flat to the next Iceland for beer and pizza. Well, we went to see the city center one day. Saw the most beautiful cemetery hills and visited an old church in which the church organ started to play some scary notes right after I said the word "Hell". Good reflexs.
Anyway, the absolute anticlimax of the visit was the dancing on in a crappy Union bar, dressed in sheets. (We were invited to some toga-party, got all dressed up and then suddenly - uninvited. So we decided to go to the nearest pub instead - all dressed up and all.) I, the stylist, was very proud of my sheetwrapped friends, the most beautiful fauni, Etruskian gueen and golden-eyed Cicero. The few people who were there that night stared us until someone came to tell us that "You can dance and have fun but please, get off of the table". Rome was hot and ancient and all went well with my sister and granmother. Saw all the Sixtine Chapels and Colosseum an the Spanish stairs and all that. And people there stared at me. My piercing seemed to attract in some strange way all the men from waiters to the museum guards and I got all unwanted special attention and treating. "You are so dark and sensitive". Right. The ice cream was the best in the world, I bought some red absinth and some black spaghetti. It was so cool and dark and sensitive. Today I had an interview for the Greenpeace. I applied the face-to-face -worker job and I hope to get it even if I'm afraid I will hate that job very fast. But we'll see.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
mellow |
Music: |
BBC News - the reporter has a lovely, scottish accent. | |
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A good feeling after the dancing lesson. The teacher is like straight from some Performing Arts School in New York, and for an hour every Tuesday I can imagine myself to be in there... part of the Fame musical, self controlled and ambitious theater student in her way to success and Broadway. I spent the weekend in Kuopio, going through all the old stuff, trying to decide what to do with all that. What I will keep, what to sell and what throw away and forget. Father sold the house. And it has to be empty in six weeks. It was the first time in ages that we all, me, mother, little sister and dad, were all in the same place. And it didn't feel strange. And how could it - it was so for so many years. And I didn't get any dramatic feeling of nostalgia or loss, because in that house it is impossible. Maybe it will come sometimes later but there everything is just so familiar and safe that it covers everything else. Mom and dad were fighting as always, over the same things, and I noticed that they both change into the same persons, take exactly the same roles as they did when married. You'd think all those things didn't matter anymore as they don't have to bear each others anymore. But no. And I had the same pressing feeling in chest and throat as I did as a child when they were fighting. Even if it shouldn't matter anymore. Strange, how in twenty two years I haven't got used to their fights and all that. And I read my old diaries and all that anguish surprised me. I never remembered that I felt so bad for couple of years in upper secondary school. And all those lines L had said and which I had written up sounded now awfully too familiar from another context. Everything seems to come back in changed forms. But I guess it was good to go through them all now. All this time I have kind of escaped all that, tried to be everything I wasn't then and not to be anything I was. Tried to stop seeking acceptance, stop trying to belong to something or somewhere, but in the end not managing very well. But now...maybe it's better to just carry it all with you. And I didn't give up to the urge to burn the diaries. It wouldn't be that easy, I would probably regret it later and maybe some day reading them won't bring back all that anxiety. I will go back there in couple of weeks and sell everything that is left in the second hand store. Dad bought a flat and things should be carried there. My old piano is a problem. I can't take it here now and dad wouldn't want to take it to his flat. But that is one item I'll never give away. Have to figure out something.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
light |
Music: |
The Smiths - Sister, I'm A Poet | |
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I've been catching up the losses of January, drank the beers I've missed, seen all the people at once and tried to handle it. Coming back from a some kind of a coma, or at least trying hard. Some flickering remains of the panicing fears of loosing all touch, but still keeping it all together somehow. I think. Looseness and letting goes - mostly good, but with some exaggarated energy and restlesness that follows then the whole thing has more to do with covering up and trying to forget than some kind of a romantic release or freedom. The literature students from Turku were visiting Tampere because of the book exhibition. But, as you can expect, they ended up moving from train station first to the nearest pub, then spending maybe half an hour in the exhibition, but because it was boring, too crowded, the writers mostly stupid and the books badly written they went back to the pub, drank, moved to the exhibition-after party and drank some more. They are the same everywhere. I knew cople of them already and It was good to see them. And I saw A, who was charming as always and somehow has the ability to make me feel better, saner and safer.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
tired |
Music: |
wolfsheim | |
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A little bit better and balanced day. Sunday's Carcassonne -game was the ultimate way of spending the evening when no one feels very social, everyone has a head ache (for various reasons) and doesn't really want to talk about anything. Carcassonne and American Idol. God, they sing terribly. "I would like to be the first American Idol who actually cannot sing at all!" Right. And in case if somebody now thinks that I watch that show: I DON'T! I was forced, tied to a chair, matches in my eyes and so on. In a grocery I saw a man who seemed awfully familiar. I remembered that I probably have changed a couple of words somewhere with him, but I couldn't remember where. And as the tiny circle of people I know doesn't consist of so many middle-aged men, I was confused and couldn't think who he was. Anyway, because he looked me like he recognized me too, I said "Hello", to which he answered the same. It was only until I was walking home that I remembered that he was the bartender in the bar near by. And the small conversation that I thought I had had with him was probably something like:
-A beer, please.
-Three fifty, please.
-Thanks. I didn't think bartenders have a life outside the bars. I always thought that they don't exist at daytime and only emerge behing the bar when the night comes. I begin to think that I have been living in this city for a terrifyingly long period of time.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
carefully there |
Music: |
Placebo - Hang on to your IQ | |
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Tänään ajattelin koulun vessassa, että jos menisin naimisiin Oras Tynkkysen kanssa, voisimme sisustaa koko vessamme vesihanoista paperitelineisiin ja lavuaareihin nimikkotuotteillamme. Paperitelineessä, saippuatötsässä ja käsipaperilootassa lukisi "Katrin", vesihanassa ja lavuaarissa sen sijaan "Oras". Olisipa jännää. Haven't been thinking much today. I noticed that I consentrated the whole two and half hours of the nude model drawing -lesson drawing the outlines of the modell, leaving the rest blank and the time run out before I could get them right and think of doing the shadows etc. The result seemed odd, it didn't look like it was done by me. I think it might have something to do with the fear that my own outlines are somehow... blurred. Don't know. Little bit lost today, again. And: Urgent: action against climate change! Turn everything off - On February 1st between 7:55 p.m. until 8 p.m. - Five minutes
Alles Ausschalten - am 1.Februar 07 von 19h55 bis 20h00 http://oekonews.at/index.php?mdoc_id=1018587
Mood: |
 blank |
Music: |
Cure - The Figurehead | |
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I don't really feel any need for updating, but because I haven't done it so long, I quess I could do it now. What's been happening lately? I really don't know. Nothing. Little breaks between me and the world which i hope are not coming more often or stronger as they have been doing now. Little losing-the-touches... wonderings about who I am, the limits between what is me and what is people around me. The usual. What i should do, I've been told, I quess, is to find some connecting points... something that is essentially mine, what stays the same when everything else changes. I think i think I know. I should learn to articulate them better so they could be brought back easier when I feel like losing everything that is Me. I've been a lot in Helsinki lately. This weekend and the weekend before that. Most probably the next one too. As I don't really seem to have any life in Tampere. Went to see the movies in Doc Point, Document film festival. They were beautifully filmed and interesting. Ate sushi with mom. Saw Mando Diao's gig. Saw some of the dearest people i know. Cursed the winter and the cold. Tasted honey beer and loved it. And wished in between that _aniara would get better. I just get more and more stopped and dumb the more I sit by this computer so I better stop now and get my ass out of this flat of there won't be anything left of me.
Mood: |
blank |
Music: |
Marie Antoinette -soundtrack | |
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For a moment it seemed like the end of the world. Walking in a drizzle. Roar of church bells batman-spotlights wiping the sky. Maybe it was. Came when called. Some of us are just imperceptible enough and go on as always.
Mood: |
 indescribable |
Music: |
Dj Meke | |
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Oh God, I don't think I will be the travelling companion for poor Rambe. I was looking for a cheap ride from Tampere to Turku for this Saturday. (I still am, btw) I left a message on the message board in the internet where people seek other people who are travelling to the same direction. Meaning is to reduce the amount of half empty cars going all to the same direction and that way to save money and environment. And of course, to find some company for the long, lonely car rides. Well, I got an answer from a man, who offered me a ride. I called him. He answered in a quiet, whispering voice: "I can't really talk right now... umm.. can you call again tonight?" I call him later in the evening. "Umm..mm.. this is not a good time, call me again in ten minutes, ok?" Ok. I call him again. This time he can speak. He starts asking me to tell something about myself and I try to give him some basic facts: when I would like to be leaving, what I study, etc.etc. "Ok, well how do you look like?" comes out the next question. I'm getting a bit confused but try to describe myself, trying to think that maybe he just want's to make sure he recognizes me when he comes to pick me up. (I really am this willing to believe in people). I finally end the call, and in two minutes there comes a text message, on which this man asks if I'm still single, "wild and free", and how much would I be willing to pay for the ride. Right. I wonder what he was doing while I called him the first two times... Burying the last travellers who didn't pay enough and with the right currency? Not my ride. I never remember how many twisted people there are.
Mood: |
drained |
Music: |
Tarmvred - Onomatopoesi | |
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Winter came with a beautiful snow storm. Everything is so white and pure right now. I'm feeling good.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
 - mentally only for now |
Music: |
Peaches - Boys Wanna Be Her | |
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Grrr. I'm not making any progress with anything. Maybe if I pretend not to notice they'll all go away. Everything feels to be out of hands somehow, how surprising. I should not try to keep things in control. There is a possibility that they would not fall apart. A small one, but still. Finnish people have again inveted something marvellous.
Are you one of us who hate the Christmas parties, (especially in bad company), the ferries travelling between Finland and Sweden, (full of ridiculously drunken and badly behaving finns), and standing in the queue, waiting for taxi (especially in a company that consists of ridiculously drunken and badly behaving finns)? Well, here's something for you:
The finnish ferry company has decided to build up taxi ranks on the decks of their ferries for the christmas time. So, if you want to have a Christmas party at the ferry, but have a feeling that a Christmas party is not a Christmas party without having to stand four o'clock in the morning out in cold waiting for taxi, you can do it now at the deck of the ferry. The worst weather-conditions of the whole Baltic Sea, promises the advertizement! Smart, huh?
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
 working |
Music: |
Covenant - Scared | |
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This time of the year I often start missing everybody. Those who are far away and those I haven´t heard of in a long while. And the others who are around but with whom the connection breaks and with whom I still feel distant. In both cases I'm terrified that I will lose them. And I don´t keep in touch with people so much when I already feel distant, because it's harder. Stupid. And the circle grows. I am not that easy to forget. I am not that easy. I am not. I am. Not.
Current Location: |
Tampere |
Mood: |
 melancholy |
Music: |
Death Cap For Cutie - I will follow you into the dark | |
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I woke up to a killer headache. Linda sent me an sms in which she said that she had woken up to her cat vomiting on the pillow next to her head. Even that would have been a nicer way to face the day. I've never had that kind of a headache before. Maybe my head tries to tell me that it cannot handle all the information, thoughts and stress in addition to so much snot. My head is not big enough for all of them. I hope it´s the snot that goes away. Otherwise I end up as a brainless snothead. That´s what I have pretty much been all day. I couldn´t afford being ill right now when there are too many things to be done and in my head. Mr. Milton is making snotballs, his red right hand throwes them to Nick who is shooting them to death. Farewell happy fields, where the joy forever dwells. Hail horrors hail! Poor Beckett is just too silent to be very much alive right now. All is mainly school related for once, which is probably good.
Music: |
Sknny Puppy - Sleeping Beast | |
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